Things can come and go so fast

Don't mind me if I just sulk for a minute here. I'm having a bad evening.

I cannot believe last week, this day, we got the best news of our life. I took aim at my $.99 pee cup and waited and waited and waited. Pretended to cook dinner without an obvious look of wonder and hope that in 3 minutes, maybe, just maybe we'd be pg. I go to check the results assuming it was a negative only to see the most wonderful word uttered by a $15 stick that you treat so poorly to pee on but that holds your future so excitingly, "PREGNANT!" I fluttered about the house to grab another stick. Thank God I used the cup and didn't attempt 10 seconds mid-stream. Ah, should I waste another digi? Wait, I have a generic brand. We'll see what it says. There's a cross. OMG, OMG!!! Stirring dinner. Oh yeah, you can use an OPK to test too. A second pink line on it. WE'RE PREGNANT!!!

I grab DH's gift of an LSU onesie and the closest gift bag I could find...a Christmas one, how lovely! I give him the bag saying it's an early anniversary gift. After some blank stares of trying to figure out what a stick that says "PREGNANT" on it actually means, he grabs me, kisses me and it's the most wonderful evening ever.

Just 2 days later I begin to feel worrisome. Cramping, but that's normal. Pg symptoms can = PMS symptoms. Some spotting.....I freak but yes, brown is ok....now pink....try to stay calm. I cannot be going crazy already. I cannot believe I stayed at work that Friday. I was a wreck all day. My Dr called me back to schedule my first appt. After speaking with the nurse and telling her what's going on, I get slightly reassured it could be normal.

That night and Saturday was horrible. Saturday began the worst day of my life, so far. How can something I was given just 3 days ago, be already taken from me? That's not fair. Brown and pink turned to red. Uncomfortable cramps led to the worst I've ever had. It was not a good day. I did not want to do anything....Sunday either. I spent most of the weekend in bed.

I guess I had that feeling. A feeling I tried to ignore because I was pregnant, actually pregnant! I was going to have a child, be a mother. It CANNOT be taken from me already. But that Saturday I figured out it could and it was. My fears of a chemical pregnancy was a reality.

So I look back to an exact week ago and think man, things can come and go so fast. I'm sitting here in a whirlwind still and my only hope is looking forward to trying again and our future. One day we will get pregnant again. One day. But yet it also scares me. What if this happens again?